Kat's Kradle

With slow purpose.
I stand here.
With life altered.
I miss the past.
But there it stays.
Don't worry my friends.
Your time will come.

I choose to write elseware.
Oh and Kandi moved out with Nomie. Part of me died back there.

My bankruptcy is done.
I am divorced a year ago now.
I am working 2 jobs, which means i get to know what it's like to sleep in shifts.
I have a goal and direction. Pool hall. For gamers... boo-yah!
I am starting over...

The effects of my reset button are at fruition.
Dreams and reality swarm together. It doesn't mean my tattoos do not have meaning, because they do. And endure.

I have enemies everywhere

You know... its really fucked up how corporate america loves you one minute and spits you out the next.
Thankfully I retained my severance package in the process, and until I receive that check I dont plan to let the cat out of the bag. However I think it is journal worthy to note the shadyness that I came from...

Keep in mind, my last day was scheduled to be 3 July... next Friday...

They couldnt find anything to pin on me work related, so they planted something to get me out the door sooner.
Apparently last wednesday... while I was home watching the kids... someone took it upon themselves to try sending a package of novelty items, using the company fedex account. This package included a massage book, some edible lace, some play powder, a massage book, a package of beginner's bondage equipment (pink) complete with flail, and the que de gras... a dildo (no batteries).

Now dont get me wrong... I'd peddle drugs. I'd peddle pills. I'd peddle pot. Yes I'd even consider peddling sex toys... but of a much higher quality than what was presented to me when they were firing me. The bondage kit was flimsy felt, with very loose straps. The flail was short and made of that thin rubber which doesn't carry any real weight to it. I'm sorry but if your going to peg me for something than at least put some EFFORT into it. And the most I've lost in the deal is a week's worth of pay.

So upon receipt of my final check, i plan to out the news to my whole (former) team... including pictures. I'm an evil bastard, oh yes I am.

Michael Jackson is dead...

Ive made the personal decision to take charge of my life and my talents. I put in for my release from BA, with a little money to hopefully pocket in the event I can find sustainable employment within 6 months. For too long I have felt unappreciated, unrecognized and abused. It would only get worse if I chose to stay. BA finally gave me a way out that I could take without regret or remorse. I have held that company up for so long, helping everyone who would benefit from my talents, for their own betterment and in the end I continued to get the shaft. Sure I got a 4% raise every year when no one else did... but that doesn't even compensate me for doing tohe work of your incompetent management.

No longer will I take this abuse silently. I will move on from your corperation and start anew where I am unknown and able to make a new name for myself. I can walk from that job with my head held high, a good damn resume that will probably get me some form of work relatively quicker than most others affected by this relentless economy, and about 10k in survival money that I can manage to sustain my life for the next 6 months if necessary. I have no delusions about the challenge that now faces me, but I also have faith in my abilities and know that this will turn out to be the better decision. In the event I can find a job that will insure my daughter before my time is up, then I have walked from this company in the positive column. Sure I will take a pay cut, but its worth it to me. Now that my bankrupcy is in motion, its only a matter of time before I can realize my goal of being rid of that job. I just simply took steps now to only better my position.

So now I look forward to my last week as a BA employee, and my eventual exile from a job that I loathe. They deserve to be crippled by the loss of an employee that can do their job better than they can. I feel empowered and elated.

I have received nothing but support from those directly affected by this decision, and close friends inside and outside of that office who know how unappreciated I was. It is time for me to move on from a futureless job, and create my own future. Now's the time to take a stand for myself and do something new with my life.

Now's my time... I Quit!!

Where do I begin? Ive been with that company for so long that the idea of leaving it scares the shyt out of me. 8 years of service. 8!!!
But as with any good airline, I have an option before me to shit or get off the pot. BA has decided to downsize (finally) from Jacksonville, which means that my department needs 3 less heads. I know for a fact my job is secure, because I have done nothing but bust my ass for that place for the last 4-5 years... but with the possibility of a severance package in front of me, it is ideal for me to consider the option of taking my long resume and walking. AND getting paid for it. Still being able to collect unemployment, and keep insurance on Nomie for a short while, I do have some options in front of me. Not many but a few. I've already started exploiting a contact with another avenue that could help me get something more permanent much quicker than if I chose to actually look on the job market. But I really really REALLY do not want to go to another call center and start over. I'd much rather consider taking some of my money and becoming a day trader. I know I could essentially work the forex market to my advantage if I put time and effort into it. And with no job to distract my time I'd be able to devote my time directly to the market which is so lucrative for those who can dedicate their income to it. I'm not stupid to believe that I have tons of disposable income to drop on the market, but I will have enough money to survive with the package so that I can do nothing but study and learn. Then the only problem I will have to face is insurance for Nomie. I'm not so worried about myself. I can get federal aid because of my condition, although it may not be entirely what I was hoping for. I also dont have to do much but monitor myself for the next few years, so if necessary I can take the insurance hit for the short term. I still have to consider the bills. Which now that ....


And thats as far as I got before I had to run off and do something else when i started this yesterday. Needless to say Ive been very busy, so posts are far and few between. :-D

Ive been neglecting my journal, but thats because life has decided that I dont need the computer much right now. I don't have the time to waste hours reconstructing my myspace page, or putting my thoughts into words in my livejournal.

Being a full time parent is truly a full time job. Being a father for Christina's child adds to the mix.

And revitalizing my relationship with Christina has been amazing for my attitude. Motivating her to be what she needs to be, a mother to her child.

All in all... things are going okay. While life may not be perfect, I am content and happy.

This little play is reaching it end, with Christina and I, apparently. The man she's been seeing is having serious problems with the fact I'm around, which I knew this was going to happen. The amount of drama that cones with any breakup however is never appreciated. Even if it may come out to my advantage.

I did, however, to the best of my ability, explain myself in detail, including plans for the future and concerns I have with a relationship that is undying even when one of us brings another into the relationship. The folly of unconditional love is you get forced to take a backseat to the lives of those you love.

And now that my goals have been revised, my selfishness (to a degree) has past. The challenges I faced with youth are seemingly over, and thus hopefully I can move into a new life without much more complication.

This is assuming she heeds my advice and drops the guy altogether. Afterall, it wouldn't be fair to lead him on when you know in your heart that he isn't the one your planning to marry.

Needless to say I am waiting for my boss to let me go home early for the holiday, since I only had about 2 hours of sleep last night due to drama detail. *sigh*

I'm becoming an activist afterall....

My goals are as follows:

1. Better sex education in the school system. With emphasis on STDs and safer sex practices.
2. Mandatory blood work on annual physicals, in regards to the current health reform that is being proposed by our government.

Very small finish lines that may have a huge impact on the fight against AIDS as a whole.
I will at some point call upon my friends to spread the word. And I favorably have a politician on my side already. Once he recovers from cancer that is.

I realize I do not need Christina to be by my side through these trials. I just want her here with me. Unfortunately I need to accept that the life I am creating must start without her. Thankfully I think in terms of years now instead of months.

Bankruptcy hearing is Thursday. Going to get my Hepetitus vaccine from Baptist tomorrow. Busy schedule. Busy life.
Now with room for Christina, and she doesn't seem to want me around just yet. I can only pray that will change as the months roll by. As for the rest of my friends, I am finding that the full time daddy rap is taking up quite a bit of my time. And with the amount of research I have to do in preparation for my trials ahead, I can only say that if you want to see me, you will have to come to me. I do have some IOUs out there, and I will cash in on them, but otherwise I am fighting this fight alone, willingly.

It is obvious to me that what I am doing to Christina is causing as much damage to our friendship, and strain to our relationship. But, by thinking in terms of forever, this should be a small price to pay for salvation. I have started a chain reaction now that will not stop until my goals are complete. Which means I will see my dying wish of revolution, or I will die in it's stead. I have found my voice, and it doesn't involve Christina. If she only knew how much it hurt to accept that.

I received a response from my godfather today, in regards to the news. He remains by my side, as do most of my friends. Your courage gives me strength for the tribulations ahead. But that strength is nothing compared to how I feel when I am at full strength, when Christina is by my side. I am so scared of doing this without her, and yet it was her choice to move on. I can only respect it, and move on myself.

I will, however, keep my promise to her. For now, and forever...

Until I see fit to disclose the nature of my betrayal, I'm choosing silence instead.
I have a lot on my mind that needs to come out, and a lot of it is not pleasant.

However, maybe it will turn into a good book.

Christina and I have reached an accord. I have to redefine myself to accomplish said goal.
Guess that means I might have to use my other journal now...

Once you learn to accept the life your given and stop fighting fruitless battles so much, it tends to help de-stress the situation.

I must continue to remind myself that I should not stress over anything that is not within the realm of my control. Of course, now Christina has to fall in that category a little. She has made her choice to be with someone else on the shear basis that he's around and I wasn't.

That's fine. I think it threw her off guard when I didn't stop wanting to be around her, or offered to maintain a friendship, with all the rights and privelages that come with that terretory.

That means I stop touching her and showing her the affection that she so longed to have from me from the start. I showed her what I could offer to her, and she ran with it. Now she can see what else I have to give and hopefully that will be enough to show her that I mean business when I tell her this is a lifetime thing she signed on for.

I have no plans to push her around, but I do not intend to remove myself from her life because she's scared of me. This experience will hopefully help her to see that she needed her newfound independance so she could make a decision about what to do with me instead of thinking that she needed me all the time.

Now we find that since she no longer needs me, we have to get back to the point where she wants me around again. I will reach across the aisle and show her that I am now being the friend and person that I need to be in order to make it through this whole AIDS ordeal. I have a lot of changes in my life that need to be made. But first Christina needs to know the truth behind my actions. The whole truth.

For the first time I'm confortable with expelling most of the skeletons in my closet. It feels cleansing almost. I have some confidence and courage to face the world now that I know she isn't going to leave me (as long as she doesn't get a wild hair up her ass and actually leave me).

I'm now able to face my fears a little more each day. This was what I wanted. My personal goals are nearer in sight. Which means I need to make new goals. Christina is now at the top of that list. And I will wait as long as it takes for her to realize that I didn't want her to need me, I wanted her to want me.

With a little effort on my part, I will be right back in this game. I just wish I could see the look on her face when she opens her birthday card. *sigh*

Take heed dear child.
You shall grow strong with this union.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy.
Polite omission helps on occasion also.

I have been a real bitch at work. I really feel sorry for anyone who wants something they can't get and escalates to me.
On the other hand, after today I will probably be able to strike Christina from the record for a little while. The real test begins.

Afterall... she will be pissed at me.

I know my friends are there to support me.
However, today it feels like I will shall forever walk alone.

There are times when that drop is a bitch.

Update: 24hrs and two bowls later I have a hand to play. Now I feel better.

I go from being totally numb (and beating God of War in the process) and hating the decision I've made, to loathing myself for letting it get to this point and not being willing to turn back and correct the mistake.

Is any mistake too far gone that you can never return to say "I'm sorry?"
Now I'm faced with my bluff being called out and the just dues that come with playing with someone else's heart, and mine being dealt a blow in return.

and in my current position, it feels like a last chance.
In the years ahead of me I will forever regret giving up a good thing because I was putting my daughter first. It will make me grow into distaste toward my daughter because she has to come first instead of me.

I feel like I'm being punished for doing the right thing...

The darkness continues to wry in my soul
The effects of my truth are deafening and solid
To the core I can only remiss
In a lasting and long time well spent
And maybe we two be reach the otherside
Until then I will see you go
In shame and disgrace...

You have not seen the Devil yet.

We just found out that Nomie got sexually abused yesterday.

While Kandi is plotting rageful murder...
I have been calmly contemplating premeditated psycological torture...

It's amazing how numb you can be to life's cruelties when you realize you really can't protect the ones you love from everyone else.

The boy was 13, only a child deviant and sexual predator in training.
Lets see how it feels to be the one hunted instead. One pedofile to another.

And now Kandi may have a little more understanding the situation her daughter is growing up into. Now we must reinforce the child's ability to determine right from wrong. Or determine anything for that matter...

I had my first CT Scan yesterday. Small doses of liquid radiation can fuk u up. I can only imagine how Marc's handling his chemo.

Ode to a lifetime of needles *sigh*

"I live with the Devil"

Oh if she only knew...

In other news, Dee is now an ex... again.

And it feels like I never left.

Damnit

I just saw a preview, and Gambit is in it.
They've been threatening it for 2 sequels now.

About fucking time!!!
That is all...

The move is going extremely well all things considered. While I could complain, I wont. I'm in the drivers seat with a lot of stuff that goes on around here. Kandi's giving over Nomie's education, first and foremost. Probably best since I told her it was either this or I fight for custody because Kandi can't do the school thing when she couldn't finish it herself. She treats school as a punishment and thus Nomie see's it as such also. That will be stopping.

I also have gay-boi veto override with anything that involves the personal look and decor of the house. So I get to put up the pictures and basic placement of household goods and necessities. While Dee pretty much took over the kitchen, I will take it for myself once I get into this new schedule groove and begin to cook for the "family". My quest for culinary goodness requires an indoor grill, small deep frier, and a crock pot. Nomie will learn to eat a more variety than I did when I was this picky at her age.

Nomie really is a small personification of myself if I were destined to be a girl (no comments from the peanut gallery either!!). She really is in for a shock though because I am not going to be kind or bend as much as her former homies may have been. This time she's under my rule, and I have developed a sence of heartlessness that she may never have herself. So I can take advantage of my advantage until she hates me for it, which she inevitably will by the time she gets to her teens. Until then, the age of daddy has arrived, muwahahahahaha!!

It was funny walking through Lowes for the blinds we needed for the house, among other little manly.... things.... that was necessary to get the washer/dryer functional and other random miscellaneous things like nails, screws and bolts. The funny part was when Kandi and I were walking through the hardware section, she took over, because frankly she's more of a man than I am in some respects. But when we got to the home and garden section I took over. The yard needs fertilizer and weed killer, and ant killer before this years ants try to raid our house.... and car.... and yard, and eventually take over entirely. They did it at my last house, which was right next door to this one. So I know ants will be a problem, which will be addressed almost as soon as I stop fucking with the inside of this house and start fucking with the outside instead. Forgive me, but I think the weeds were there when we moved in and they will still be there when the electrician comes and gives my room the glory of power so I can finish sorting through my shyt and get my bedroom in order.

Kandi has taken over all the shelf space, which doesn't amount to much. We need shelves and other wall space created so I can actually display some of my stuff, or it will inevitably end up in storage with the rest of my crap. Since we are looking at this being long term, the good part is I can get in and out of my storage unit fairly easy. I already had to go once to create some shelf space for my bedroom so I can empty my decorations box. I have too many vases though since Christina has given me flowers 3 times now. And while its sweet as hell (I've NEVER had a girl give me roses before, much less have them delivered to me at work on valentines day....), it clutters up what is already cluttered and condensed. I've been patiently waiting for Kandi to go through her, Nomie's and Dee's shit to decide what stays and goes. Of course, none of her doo-dads or decorations left the house, so I'm just going to start replacing some of her stuff with mine and see if she notices. Haha!

Dee is falling in line a little bit at a time. She didn't impress me with her little theft and immediate and poor lying act to try and cover up the fact she is a fuck up. And while she is inherently a decent individual, that isnt enough to convince me she needs to stay living with us. She's even good with Nomie. But Nomie doesn't need two moms, not especially now that she has both Mom and Dad under one roof for the first time in her life. I'm keeping silent vigilance over Dee and talking to Kandi when the need arises. Thankfully she's seen as much as I have from Dee, which isn't much. Dee isn't putting much effort into her new lifestyle. She does it when she's told and is bitched at, but she's not being very proactive about it which is what we need. We already have to deal with Nomie's fussy nature and lack of interest. I dont want to do it to two children. And since I am the biggest breadwinner in the house, I get overall bitchy veto over what needs to be addressed. That and I have grown into my Libra and my need/ability to control something is taking over. At least I can be constructive and point it in a direction.

As for work... work is work. Thankfully, work is next week so I wont care much until then. Although I do have to call and let the boss know I have to take off early next Tuesday for my annual with the surgeon. And I know what hell they are going through right now, so I am blessedly ignorant to the toils and tribulation that my retarded department is having to deal with. Suffer bitches, hahahahaha!!

For every 6 loads of laundry Kandi has, I have one. And mine's done. off to fold.....

Don't you miss my annoyingly long drawn out posts?! God I missed internet and cable, hurrah!!

Here's a few things that caught my eye on Reuters while I was on sebaticle and couldnt immediately comment.
But I'm sure you could tell the comments I would have about some of them.
So instead I will condense my thoughts about said article at the time I caught them.

The second coming of Christ. God forbid that His religion be made a mockery by modern day science and coincidence. *snickers*

And then I ran across the existance of vampires, which was actually proven as part of ancient folklore. Nothing we didn't already know, but I thought it humorous that until now they were only a "myth".

And to my gamers out there... I think I found an online gaming community that I will be subscribing to almost immediately upon release.

All I have to do at work is read the news now. Its sad really...