Posted on 04.15.2009 at 00:51
Current Mood: Triumphant!!
Current Music: Enya Final Fantasy - Apocalyptica
"I live with the Devil"
Oh if she only knew...
In other news, Dee is now an ex... again.
Posted on 04.13.2009 at 06:40
Current Location: work
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: Apocalyptica - I Don't Care
And it feels like I never left.
Posted on 04.11.2009 at 21:14
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Favorite Things - The Sound of Music
I just saw a preview, and Gambit is in it.
They've been threatening it for 2 sequels now.
About fucking time!!!
That is all...
Posted on 04.09.2009 at 09:31
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: MIA - Paper Planes
The move is going extremely well all things considered. While I could complain, I wont. I'm in the drivers seat with a lot of stuff that goes on around here. Kandi's giving over Nomie's education, first and foremost. Probably best since I told her it was either this or I fight for custody because Kandi can't do the school thing when she couldn't finish it herself. She treats school as a punishment and thus Nomie see's it as such also. That will be stopping.
I also have gay-boi veto override with anything that involves the personal look and decor of the house. So I get to put up the pictures and basic placement of household goods and necessities. While Dee pretty much took over the kitchen, I will take it for myself once I get into this new schedule groove and begin to cook for the "family". My quest for culinary goodness requires an indoor grill, small deep frier, and a crock pot. Nomie will learn to eat a more variety than I did when I was this picky at her age.
Nomie really is a small personification of myself if I were destined to be a girl (no comments from the peanut gallery either!!). She really is in for a shock though because I am not going to be kind or bend as much as her former homies may have been. This time she's under my rule, and I have developed a sence of heartlessness that she may never have herself. So I can take advantage of my advantage until she hates me for it, which she inevitably will by the time she gets to her teens. Until then, the age of daddy has arrived, muwahahahahaha!!
It was funny walking through Lowes for the blinds we needed for the house, among other little manly.... things.... that was necessary to get the washer/dryer functional and other random miscellaneous things like nails, screws and bolts. The funny part was when Kandi and I were walking through the hardware section, she took over, because frankly she's more of a man than I am in some respects. But when we got to the home and garden section I took over. The yard needs fertilizer and weed killer, and ant killer before this years ants try to raid our house.... and car.... and yard, and eventually take over entirely. They did it at my last house, which was right next door to this one. So I know ants will be a problem, which will be addressed almost as soon as I stop fucking with the inside of this house and start fucking with the outside instead. Forgive me, but I think the weeds were there when we moved in and they will still be there when the electrician comes and gives my room the glory of power so I can finish sorting through my shyt and get my bedroom in order.
Kandi has taken over all the shelf space, which doesn't amount to much. We need shelves and other wall space created so I can actually display some of my stuff, or it will inevitably end up in storage with the rest of my crap. Since we are looking at this being long term, the good part is I can get in and out of my storage unit fairly easy. I already had to go once to create some shelf space for my bedroom so I can empty my decorations box. I have too many vases though since Christina has given me flowers 3 times now. And while its sweet as hell (I've NEVER had a girl give me roses before, much less have them delivered to me at work on valentines day....), it clutters up what is already cluttered and condensed. I've been patiently waiting for Kandi to go through her, Nomie's and Dee's shit to decide what stays and goes. Of course, none of her doo-dads or decorations left the house, so I'm just going to start replacing some of her stuff with mine and see if she notices. Haha!
Dee is falling in line a little bit at a time. She didn't impress me with her little theft and immediate and poor lying act to try and cover up the fact she is a fuck up. And while she is inherently a decent individual, that isnt enough to convince me she needs to stay living with us. She's even good with Nomie. But Nomie doesn't need two moms, not especially now that she has both Mom and Dad under one roof for the first time in her life. I'm keeping silent vigilance over Dee and talking to Kandi when the need arises. Thankfully she's seen as much as I have from Dee, which isn't much. Dee isn't putting much effort into her new lifestyle. She does it when she's told and is bitched at, but she's not being very proactive about it which is what we need. We already have to deal with Nomie's fussy nature and lack of interest. I dont want to do it to two children. And since I am the biggest breadwinner in the house, I get overall bitchy veto over what needs to be addressed. That and I have grown into my Libra and my need/ability to control something is taking over. At least I can be constructive and point it in a direction.
As for work... work is work. Thankfully, work is next week so I wont care much until then. Although I do have to call and let the boss know I have to take off early next Tuesday for my annual with the surgeon. And I know what hell they are going through right now, so I am blessedly ignorant to the toils and tribulation that my retarded department is having to deal with. Suffer bitches, hahahahaha!!
For every 6 loads of laundry Kandi has, I have one. And mine's done. off to fold.....
Don't you miss my annoyingly long drawn out posts?! God I missed internet and cable, hurrah!!
Posted on 04.07.2009 at 00:53
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Anberlin - Feel Good Drag
Here's a few things that caught my eye on Reuters while I was on sebaticle and couldnt immediately comment.
But I'm sure you could tell the comments I would have about some of them.
So instead I will condense my thoughts about said article at the time I caught them.
The second coming of Christ
. God forbid that His religion be made a mockery by modern day science and coincidence. *snickers*
And then I ran across the existance of vampires
, which was actually proven as part of ancient folklore. Nothing we didn't already know, but I thought it humorous that until now they were only a "myth".
And to my gamers
out there... I think I found an online gaming community that I will be subscribing to almost immediately upon release.
All I have to do at work is read the news now. Its sad really...
Posted on 04.01.2009 at 21:43
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: I don't care - Apocalyptica
The rain clouds were seeping in as the final stages of the move became whole and complete. Only to this end to I denote the final humor of fate. That in the end, after almost 7 long years... Kandi and I would be able to tolerate each other long enough to live under the same roof again. All for the child.
3635 Gilmore St 32205.
Housewarming party will be forthcoming. And oh god will it be a deuzy!
Now to attempt catching up on lost music I havent been able to download in forever.
Posted on 03.23.2009 at 15:20
Current Location: work
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: "You gotta spend some time, Love..." ???
The government is buying all of our hard earned bad credit.
I wonder what will be left?
I just think it's funny I'm filing bankrupcy around the same time as the US government.
And suddenly I'm eligable for homeownership. High interest rate, aside.
It's a reset button all over again.
The financial system is hitting rock bottom, and now the wake begins.
There is no other update... yet.
Marc - keep it up!! recover bitch, recover!
Posted on 03.05.2009 at 12:19
Current Location: work
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Home - Three Days Grace
So here's where we stand...
-I'm moving in with Kandi in April, more for Nomie's benefit than my own. Oh the sacrifices I make *sigh*
-On a deadline to file bankrupcy before the movin' date. 2 weeks.
-Have to remember All of 2007. Down to the last grimey detail.
So on the good side, I will have internet access soon, and there will be much rejoicing. This is the 3rd move in 2 years. I'm not doing it again until Kandi and I can't tolerate each other anymore.
Updated address and contact details will be forthcoming to those who deserve it.
Posted on 01.06.2009 at 19:32
Current Mood: contemplative
While I have to admit, the tail end of last year really ended on a bad note, primarily because my holiday spirit got kicked in the nuts several times before I finally gave in and spiraled down into a deep depression...
Overall, Nomie had a good Xmas, which is all I can ask for. Thankfully BA paid for half of her gifts with the gift card I received for getting Manager of the Month in October. Don't congratulate me though. It wasn't much of an achievement since the plot is to get that title for everyone in the department before the actual managers do.
So yes, last year overall wasn't terrible. On a good note, I finally got divorced, and my student loan got paid off. On a sad note, I caught a deadly virus. *sigh*
Take the bad with the good, right?
So we enter 2009. I honestly don't know what to say except that I am stuck in a void... some incomprehensible mid-life crisis that will determine the next steps to follow. I've accepted that I hate my job, and need a new direction. I've also accepted that some, if not most of my personal goals, are nothing more than mere fantasy and delusion. The fanatics of a dreamer.
The reality is that I have to figure out where to go from here. My personal life isn't terrible, but my long term goals need to be fixed. Unfortunately, most of that is prescedent on the impending bankrupcy.
So I have from the time I officially file bankrupcy, and a year from that, to wait patiently while I try to reinvent myself.
But re-inventing myself can wait, as it's not important to me anymore. What's important to me is my daughter, my video games, and my friends. In that order, actually.
As much as I want to escape, I can't. I'm tired of rebelling. I'm tired of fighting a toothless battle with a society that doesn't care to listen. It just makes me want to fade away, and eventually every life I have touched will also forget that small impression I made on their lives.
This is what I get for being in the position to think all the time...
Posted on 12.22.2008 at 20:01
Current Mood: pensive
Everything I've ever wanted, I've already had.
Everything I want is forever out of my reach.
It's like a bad dream I'm waking up from.
And now feel as if I have nothing to look forward to except my daughter.
I don't want to end up like my mother, but at the same time...
she chose her fate, more immediate than my own.
And now I understand why people put guns to their heads.
Somewhere in the last few weeks I've hit a breaking (snapping...) point.
I feel like I've done very little to nothing to secure my place in this world.
I don't belong to anything in particular.
And the life that I have made for myself is unsatisfactory and trivial.
Looking back, and reflecting on the past... I don't think I've ever had the courage to stand up for myself.
And I don't know what I want anymore, because everything I've wanted before has led me down a very jaded path.
Of all the good I've done, with a handful of selected friends... what legacy do I get to leave behind?
Posted on 11.18.2008 at 19:34
Current Mood: contemplative
Even though it's in a video game...
It still counts as a DUI when the cops pull you over.
The good part is you can take out the memory card so it doesn't hit your permanent record.
All in all, a good day off. Especially when you can start the day with a drink before noon.
Posted on 11.07.2008 at 10:51
Current Mood: enraged
Either I will be more motivated to reach for my stars elseware,
or will retire early from a long and depressing career in the travel industry.
I prefer the latter.
I've also figured out how to deal with the trauma of Nomie's impediment. So starts the weekly homework assignments from daddy, for the rest of her life.
I really am tired of the stress of life. Already...
On the up side, I managed to scare the new manager on site.
When I got called out, in front of the new guy, in all black and trenchcoat, and he gets told I can introduce him to the gothic clubs in Jax...
I ranted and raved because we don't have one in Jax thats worth anything.
And the one we do have hasn't been able to stay in one spot for more than a month.
I then walked off mumbling it's all because the Christians are pissed McCain lost.
Conformity? Fuck that...
Posted on 11.02.2008 at 21:04
Silently I wait in the darkness of my consciousness.
Screaming into the bleeding darkness, reverberating echos
And a punchline that couldn't wait until my dying day.
Slowly I turn in torture to my fate.
A destiny that lingers beyond this lifetime.
And thus it is created, with the prick of a finger,
The end of all that is.
Posted on 10.25.2008 at 11:07
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Sixx AM - Life is Beautiful
I think I will keep this one short considering how much shit Ive gone through in 2-3months without internet. The fact I am not able to regularly update at work is pissing me off....
Divorce was final as of September 23, 2008. At the time I had every intention of writing a "Ode to Becky" post in final goodbye and fuck off message, but now that Ive had time to sleep on it, and a lot of other stress has decided to come my way, I find it a moot point. Becky is now officially a thing of the past. Happy fucking birthday to me!
She's also pregnant, close to if not already ready to pop. I still find that overly hilarious. Enjoy responsibility, bitch.
Work is pulling me in several different directions at once, which is what they are good at. Its not bad, just tiring. I have also decided that while my goals are taking me out of Jax, if the cooperate office doesn't want me yet I have other avenues I can try to use in a last ditch effort to get the fuck out of dodge. My background has always been in customer service anyway, so I am going to see if I can just stick to what Im good at and eventually work my way up the cooperate ladder that way. This plan is of course several months away.
This gives me time to focus on my daughter, who is newly enrolled in "special ed". Ive had nightmares ever since signing the paperwork. Its not for failures with school, mind you. Nomie is a little behind on her memory development and comprehension skills. These are a direct result of failings at the home level. I blame myself as much as Kandi. Her IQ test shows she has the potential to be somewhere great if she can just get the concepts down. But because of the issues she has, she scored below average.
It scares me to no end that my daughter is falling behind and I am in little position to do much about it while I do not have custody. I havent been able to sleep straight since. Kandi has been very attentive to suggestions I have to try and get Nomie back with the rest of her class. These of course are ideas I would prefer to implement myself and since I can't I am forced to sit idolly by and hope for the best with Kandi at home. I think this is what is killing me on the inside.
All of this is stuff Ive told Kandi, and we're both trying to be on the same page with Nomie but its extremely difficult when both of us cant do it and she's preoccupied with married life, and I'm preoccupied with my own life. SO I reside myself to doing the best I can with my weekend daddy role, and pray for the best.
Of course I have issues with praying in itself. Thats another debate.
Everywhere I look friends and family are being devastated by this recession that our government refuses to acknowledge. I have decided to go to an early voting site next week and get it over with. I'm tired of the elections. We're fucked either way. At least if a black man gets the throne, it will pave the way to a new logic of government. That anyone can do it, and not our elderly "know it all" established tyrannical high n mighty POSs we've been forced to suffer with. That and the majority of existing political powers are in that age group where they will die in office or be replaced by much younger ways of thinking. God I hope so. I still think the best approach is a 3rd party in the government, but I don't see that happening in my lifetime.
I have started the process to file bankruptcy. In an age where banks can file losses and crash our economy, I dont see why I can't hit a reset button while I am young enough to do so and recover quickly. Its a last ditch effort to stop the bill collectors to collectively take a percentage out of my paystub. I cant afford everyone taking 15% of my check weekly. So I have no choice at this point.
But the good news is there is a silver lining to this. There is an end in sight. After years of struggling and trying to recover, mom helped hit the reset button for me. Of this I am very thankful to what I was given as a last promise from my mother. I wont be able to repay the favor for a short while, but I will put her to rest soon enough. Once I can afford a vacation. While I'm in the terms of bankrupcy, I wont be leaving the country much unless its for business. *sigh*
My time with Christina has been lacking lately because of all of the above. I get pulled and sucked into other aspects of my own life that I find it difficult to fit her into the picture anymore. Its not for a lack of wanting, just simply my attention has to be diverted to my daughter above all else, so something has to give. Unfortunately that include my happiness, to a point.
I can't complain though. I'm alive. I'm not sleeping very good, but otherwise I am doing better now than I have in years. And I have no one to thank for most of that than my own stubborn logic, to ensure I stay on target and create my own future. I'm determined now to put Nomie in private school, where she will get the more individual attention she requires. Everything else falls second...
And yes, that was a short post.
Posted on 10.21.2008 at 15:21
Current Mood: angry
Posted on 09.06.2008 at 23:11
Current Mood: anxious
Accompanied by enough alcohol to make this post lsightly legible.
Divorce/Birthday Party is scheduled for 28Sep, 2100. Address is from previous post. All is invited!! Anyone who knows/knew Becky...
The plan is Strip club Wednesday, Drag show Thursday, and party Sunday, with plenty of dibatury in between....
For the party itself... entertainment is video games and movies (porn optional). I have tons of music to last, and there will people there you may/may not like or know. I DONT care. Also previous mentioned "later drama" is exactly that... later drama and taboo. Any drama will be kicked out immediately.
Its a random get together. And it's BYOB. I will have alcohol but it won't cover the lot. If this works I'm expecting a turnout... So bring what you can, and I will not be sober for an entier week!!
Got you all in check...
Posted on 08.28.2008 at 15:18
Current Mood: calm
I'm disabling comments for personal reasons. This post is more for me than anything else, but obviously everyone should have noticed a severe absence as of late.
I've had a lot of stuff going on, and a lot of thinking to do. Thankfully I am on the upscale of what will be a very long and tiring battle.
So to update, purpose for said internal drama is related to a recent doctor visit bout 2 months ago. I went in for a cold and came out with a very bad blood test result. It has caused a mental shakeup that was probably overdue and needed anyway.
After much diliberation among the voices in my head, I have finally figured out how to classify said negativity under the "later drama" column.
Now drama (aka Life goals):
- Nomie's in school. I will live to see her graduate.
- Divorce date is Sept 23rd. I am off work from 24th on to celebrate my the fact I am alive yet another year. Alcohol WILL be involved. I think my singleness is a perfect birthday present to myself. Hurrah!
- I have come to the belated but much required decision to file bankrupcy. My credit isn't getting any better and so far every offer I have made got rejected. So instead of working with the creditors I am going to use the money I offered to them and finish my divorce and then file for bankrupcy using the rest. Since my divorce will have a negative impact on my credit, I don't see why I shouldn't file, wait a few years to reestabolish my credit, instead of wasting money unnecessarily in the vague attempt to give my credit a reprieve. It helps when the creditor on the phone even told me to file when I told him how much debt I really am in.
- Cruxshadows concert in December. Woot!
The disclaimer is that I do not want to discuss said "later drama" until it becomes "now drama". And that won't be for several years down the road.
It comes down to the fact that I am now ready to make more responsible, adult decisions with the life that I have been given. I really don't care about the end result, but the road to darkness will be paved with joy and laughter. Yes... the end scares me. But thats the end. And that's not now.
Christina and I have firmed up our belief that at the end of this we were meant to be, so a long engagement will eventually be in order. But we both have tons of work to do before we can settle down together, so I am staying focused on getting myself out of this hole that Becky caused from a failed marrage to a complete and utter whore.
I will acknowledge that everything that has happened to me in the past was a direct result of decisions I have made, for better or worse, that have helped me or hurt me. I have made mistakes, but I'm only human and everyone makes mistakes. I will not, however, give in to the depression that comes with knowing you are on borrowed time. I simply refuse.
Death and taxes are both irrevocable facts of life. So be it.
I will do what I must to secure my quality of life, and ultimately secure Nomie's. Until now I have held on firmly to the belief that I can be something outside of the life I have built for myself. But reflecting on that fact, I actually do have a good life, good friends and a family to care for. I am content with my life and I need to accept that. No more dreams, just reality.
TO THAT END... party details will be posted eventually. Its time to celebrate the rest of my life.
Posted on 08.26.2008 at 16:04
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Barbie Girl - Aqua
Have you ever had one of those days?
You just want to punch something?
I need to take up kickboxing, or some other form of outlet that I can legally hurt something.
Posted on 08.25.2008 at 14:59
Current Mood: content
I would like to take this opprotunity to thank Becky for stepping up and mailing back the paperwork so I can get this over with. That actually saves me a step, even though I've lost money on this venture because she's been a slack ass.
Maybe the kid and the prospect of having to be "responsible" is forcing her hand. Or maybe she's just tired of me.
Either way, thank you Becky for your contribution to our mutual divorce. I hope you kept a copy of the paperwork... I can assure you your not done hating me yet.
Posted on 08.22.2008 at 22:05
Current Mood: confused
Move went well all things considered.
Nomie is back in Kindergarden. Trying not to worry...
Things are going well with Christina and I.
Playing video games until I drop (dead, that is...)
Lacking internet. Will be a couple of months until I get it. I'm not in any hurry actually...
Internally and mentally I am fucked. Royally fucked...
I'm about ready to throw in several towels and hope one of them sticks. Right now more than ever I just want to disappear and stay gone this time. One of the cons of living alone is having LOTS of time to think.
Oh, and divorce is progressing right along. Can't forget that.
I'm scared to face my demons. I know that this time I will lose...
Posted on 07.17.2008 at 09:31
Current Mood: fatalist
Current Music: Date Rape - Sublime
At least I know I will take my sarcasm to the grave.
There is some tranquility and finality in knowing you have an expiration date labeled somewhere on your ass. Thankfully my priorities haven't changed... much.
In other news, my reposession is now a settlement, and Dell will soon fall to the same fate. Slowly I am digging myself out of this hole of debt I've scathed myself into. Next is to hire a lawyer to dispute the foreclosure, thankfully I kept those docs.
It really hurts to spend an entire bonus check toward fixing my credit, opposed to a PS3 or some other trivial artifact which will entertain me until my dying day. Oh well.
Posted on 07.10.2008 at 22:01
Current Mood: pragmatic
Current Music: Random Tecnho...
Posted on 07.06.2008 at 02:49
Current Mood: mischievous
Current Music: Damaged - Danity Kane
I am unreachable by anything but phone.
This is in part because I need to do this and get it over with.
And in part because I will be without internet for a couple of weeks.
If its an emergency you know how to get a hold of me or who can if you can't.
Otherwise don't bother me. I'm friggin dealing with my own issues at the moment.
So I'm taking a week of silence.
I need to make a decision, so finally I am.
Posted on 07.03.2008 at 20:52
Current Mood: artistic
Bozo the clown is dead.
I am sad.
Posted on 07.01.2008 at 10:09
Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Phil Collins
The next time I get called on for fatherly duties I am taking a beebee gun to the back of its furry little head in some remote spot in the backwoods.
Its cheaper, less emotional, and I can just turn and walk away afterwards.
Edit: I'm glad I write this so I understand it at least.